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A few months ago, I wrote a blog that I never posted. I rationalised that it was too emotional and probably didn’t need to be online. Now, a few months later, I have moved past this ‘bump’ and would like to address how I overcame this, so the original blog is posted at the bottom of this one. I have written this very personal story in the hope that maybe someone else will realise they are not alone, and that we all at times have moments of darkness.
When backed into a corner we have two choices:
1. Curl up and cry
2. Come out of that corner fighting
For me, I chose the second. Sure, I still cried (A LOT – every day for 3 weeks straight), but I decided to fight for me. Sadness is not indefinite, but it is very subjective. This was not the first time I had my heart broken, but it was definitely the worst.
Mental pain is much harder for our brain to rationalise than physical pain, our bodies natural responses no longer seem to work, and we simply don’t know what to do. It is easy to crumple in this moment, and that’s exactly what happened to me on a few occasions, falling to my knees too weak to stand because of pain I just didn’t understand. I couldn’t see the light, it was all gone but deep down I knew that I had to push on.
We all have our struggles, and pain is experienced very differently from one person to another and for varying reasons. Here are the defining steps I took that led me to be able to smile again:
1. Surround yourself with people who love and uplift you
After the breakup, I immediately got on a train and went to my ‘London home’ and the closest thing I had to family on the other side of the world. The train ride was one of the hardest days of my life to date, 7 hours all alone, surrounded by my own darkness; I cried until I ran out of tears. I watched a few uplifting Youtube videos which helped a little, I got home and felt safe again surrounded with love and support. I went out for brunch with the girls and talked to my besties back home, I made an effort to have these people near me and in return they offered the support I needed to start enjoying myself again.
2. Get out of bed and exercise
I forced myself to go for a run every day. It gave me a reason to get out of bed, and you don’t need me to tell you about the mental and physical benefits of exercise. Even a walk to get some fresh air is enough to start putting things into perspective.
3. Set a goal
I had fortunately already booked a trip away to Budapest, this gave me something to look forward to and a goal to achieve (even if it was as simple as getting to the airport on time)
4. Adopt a ‘fuck you’ attitude
Let your sadness turn into anger that drives you to do better. Sure, initially some of my actions were out of spite, but eventually that turned into drive for self-development. I wanted to push myself to prove I could do it: for me. Then I set off on a 7-day solo hike through the Scottish Highlands, see ‘My West Highland Way Journey’ blog – for anyone that wants an achievable challenge I highly recommend it.
5. Back yourself
I’m still working on this one, but with each challenge I feel I get closer to this goal. Figure out who the heck you are, regardless of anyone else and BE. THAT. PERSON. If others don’t like it then good riddance, how could you possibly expect someone else to be happy with you if you are not happy with yourself?
We all have ‘bumps’ in life, I decided not to give up and push through and make the most of what I have coined a ‘shituation’, now I am all the better for it!
Pictured: Drinking Whiskey atop Conic Hill, my first solo 'peak' on the West Highland Way
Warning: the blog to follow is very dark, full of swear words and not how I feel any more.
Fuck - (July 2018)
Sometimes I’m inspired to write things, in a sudden rush of “the world must hear this, I will help humanity find it’s way!” -this usually happens when I’m driving, then I forget what I was thinking and never write it down. Today is not one of those days.
This blog is going to be selfish, because that’s how I’m feeling today.
I have been travelling around the world for the last 4 months with a man who I met only back in January (6 months ago). We decided, on a whim, to go to Europe together. I know what you’re thinking “Are you fucking crazy!? Why would you travel to the other side of the world with someone you’d only known for 2 months?!” – and you know what, you would be right. It was a crazy decision, but I thought I knew what I was doing.
I told myself “if it doesn’t work out, I’ll just come home”.
We had a lot of incredible times together, strolling the streets of Paris, exploring tiny European villages, swimming in the freezing cold Balearic sea, biking alongside a misty river early in the morning, horse riding into the mountains above the clouds, searching for the perfect beaches to swim at, and so much more.
Now I come to my point, FUCK. The last few weeks have been a bit of a rollercoaster since we’ve been living in Wales (in the middle of nowhere), no fighting, just despair from feeling under appreciated and unwanted. I was pushed into a corner and had to leave as he wasn’t willing to fight for ‘us’ anymore.
How the fuck did my life turn around and shit me out again, exactly where I was a year ago, minus a horse and a lot of money. No job, no house, no money, and stuck on the other side of the world from my friends and family (thank god for Judith and her wine and icecream), everything I thought I knew about my future is now non-existent.
How did I let myself get so vested that this man had the capacity to break my heart, when I knew the odds were never really in our favour?
The truth is, I don’t really know the answer to these questions. But what I do know is I will get back on my feet and go back to investing in number 1 again. Every experience we have, good or bad, shapes the person we become. I know I will come out of this stronger, the hurt I am feeling right now is not just the hurt of yesterday, but the hurt of a future now forgotten.
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